The Calling
"Information operator ... how may I direct your call?"
"Yes, hello, get me God, please."
"Pardon me, sir?"
"God, you know the Big Kahuna, the Guy Upstairs, the Supreme Being, King of Kings, Lord of Lords, Almighty On High ... God."
"One moment, sir, checking ..."
"Thanks."
"Uh, sir?"
"Yes?"
"There are multiple listings for the party known as God."
"Pardon me?"
"There are ..."
"Yes, I heard you, but how can there be multiple listings? There can be only one God."
"No, sir ... I have a Catholic God, an Anglican God, a Presbyterian God, even a Baptist God. Then there are listings for Zeus, Apollo, Yahweh, Elohim, Jehovah, Jah Rastafari, Hu, and Buddha. Which God would you like me to connect you to?"
"Wait ... how can there be so many gods? I want the True God, not a pretender or wannabe god ..."
"Sir, I'm afraid I do not have a listing for 'True God,' just the ones I have indicated to you. Would you like me to repeat your choices?"
"Nooo ... operator, don't you see? All these gods are just confusing me."
"I understand, sir. It is very confusing."
"I mean, how can there be so many variations of the creator of all life?"
"I'm not sure. Perhaps, it's a little like Santa and his Elves."
"Seriously?"
"What? Bad analogy? How about Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs?"
"Nooo ... worse ..."
"Legion of Super-Heroes?
"Better ..."
"X-Men?"
"Were you an English Lit major?"
"No, sir, Culinary Arts ... specializing in desserts ... that's with two s's ... well three in all ..."
"Operator, please, can we get back on track?"
"Yes, of course, sir. You were looking to contact God ... the True God ... but I have no listing for 'True God.' I do have a listing for True Blood, True Detective, True Grit, True Romance and ... True North Strong And Free. Any of those of interest to you, sir?"
"No, no, and no."
"Oh, one moment, sir ... I do have a listing under 'God' for Allah in the Yellow Pages."
"Allah?"
"Yes, sir, isn't he a god? It states here that Allah is the perfect description of 'One God.' Isn't that pretty close to 'True God'?"
"What else does it say?"
"Ummm, let's see ... 'Allah is the god of Muslims, and the god which all Christians must eventually worship. All Muslims are called to war with nonbelievers for the sake of Islamic rule. Muslims who do not join the fight against non-believers shall be known as hypocrites and warned that Allah will send them to Hell if they do not join the slaughter.' Well, that sounds pretty serious, sir."
"And that's in the Yellow Pages?"
"Uh huh, full page ad."
"Is there a number to call?"
"Yes, sir, 1-800 ... toll free number ..."
"OK, just out of curiosity, connect me ..."
"Yes sir, one moment please."
"Thank you."
"Sir, your party is ringing. Thanks for using our service."
"No problem, thank you operator."
"My pleasure, sir."
"Hello? Hello?"
"Good morning, Mr James, this is Homeland Security, Special Agent Dios speaking ..."
"Yes, hello, get me God, please."
"Pardon me, sir?"
"God, you know the Big Kahuna, the Guy Upstairs, the Supreme Being, King of Kings, Lord of Lords, Almighty On High ... God."
"One moment, sir, checking ..."
"Thanks."
"Uh, sir?"
"Yes?"
"There are multiple listings for the party known as God."
"Pardon me?"
"There are ..."
"Yes, I heard you, but how can there be multiple listings? There can be only one God."
"No, sir ... I have a Catholic God, an Anglican God, a Presbyterian God, even a Baptist God. Then there are listings for Zeus, Apollo, Yahweh, Elohim, Jehovah, Jah Rastafari, Hu, and Buddha. Which God would you like me to connect you to?"
"Wait ... how can there be so many gods? I want the True God, not a pretender or wannabe god ..."
"Sir, I'm afraid I do not have a listing for 'True God,' just the ones I have indicated to you. Would you like me to repeat your choices?"
"Nooo ... operator, don't you see? All these gods are just confusing me."
"I understand, sir. It is very confusing."
"I mean, how can there be so many variations of the creator of all life?"
"I'm not sure. Perhaps, it's a little like Santa and his Elves."
"Seriously?"
"What? Bad analogy? How about Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs?"
"Nooo ... worse ..."
"Legion of Super-Heroes?
"Better ..."
"X-Men?"
"Were you an English Lit major?"
"No, sir, Culinary Arts ... specializing in desserts ... that's with two s's ... well three in all ..."
"Operator, please, can we get back on track?"
"Yes, of course, sir. You were looking to contact God ... the True God ... but I have no listing for 'True God.' I do have a listing for True Blood, True Detective, True Grit, True Romance and ... True North Strong And Free. Any of those of interest to you, sir?"
"No, no, and no."
"Oh, one moment, sir ... I do have a listing under 'God' for Allah in the Yellow Pages."
"Allah?"
"Yes, sir, isn't he a god? It states here that Allah is the perfect description of 'One God.' Isn't that pretty close to 'True God'?"
"What else does it say?"
"Ummm, let's see ... 'Allah is the god of Muslims, and the god which all Christians must eventually worship. All Muslims are called to war with nonbelievers for the sake of Islamic rule. Muslims who do not join the fight against non-believers shall be known as hypocrites and warned that Allah will send them to Hell if they do not join the slaughter.' Well, that sounds pretty serious, sir."
"And that's in the Yellow Pages?"
"Uh huh, full page ad."
"Is there a number to call?"
"Yes, sir, 1-800 ... toll free number ..."
"OK, just out of curiosity, connect me ..."
"Yes sir, one moment please."
"Thank you."
"Sir, your party is ringing. Thanks for using our service."
"No problem, thank you operator."
"My pleasure, sir."
"Hello? Hello?"
"Good morning, Mr James, this is Homeland Security, Special Agent Dios speaking ..."
