Going Down
Elevators are funny places. Usually, the ride down from the top of the world to ground level is a solo mission. Other times, a stranger or two will hop on from the lower floors.
I've discovered that, for the most part, little if anything of substance is said between people in an elevator. The weather might be mentioned.
"Nice day out there ..."
"Fabulous."
"But pretty hot for this time of year."
"Yes, maybe too hot."
"Heckuva lot better than winter."
"Much better."
Some things are never mentioned in the polite world of the elevator. No one ever uses profanity. I mean, no one ever says, "I'm so fucked up today." That kind of colourful self-diagnosis would be crossing some imaginary line of good taste, I guess.
Other words are taboo in such polite company as well. Proper elevator etiquette forbids pretty much anything that deals with bodily functions. For example, no one uses the word, "masturbate." If, as everyone watches the red numbers on the elevator's control panel count down to the lobby, some young man or woman at the back of the elevator suddenly groaned, "I so need to masturbate," well, eyebrows would rise back up to the fifteenth floor, and some riders might fall into an irrepressible twitter, or tweet, or whatever the word is now.
The same is true for such perfectly good words like "fellatio" or "cunnilingus." Nobody uses those words, certainly not in an elevator, and usually not in any context at all.
I mean, you don't say to your significant other during, say, the heat of an argument, "Oh, please, just give me a fellatio." You might say, "Blow me," but never "Fellate me."
The same is true of "cunnilingus," truly a very strange word, because just saying it kind of twists your tongue into knots. Again, who says, "Please, how about a quick cunnilingus?" More than likely, the phrase would simply be, "Eat me."
Of course, the elevator is not the only place where polite language has a foothold. Some of you will be squirming in your knotty underwear just from reading such words as "masturbate," "fellatio," or "cunnilingus." Even typing them was a bit of a challenge, but I do so only to help free our language from languishing in the Land of Nospeak, where some words dangle unspoken, seemingly forever, like forbidden fruit hanging, ever so temptingly, from the Tree of Knowledge.
Once in a while, you have take a bite out of good taste.
Just don't bite too hard.
And never in an elevator, FFS.
Elevators are funny places. Usually, the ride down from the top of the world to ground level is a solo mission. Other times, a stranger or two will hop on from the lower floors.
I've discovered that, for the most part, little if anything of substance is said between people in an elevator. The weather might be mentioned.
"Nice day out there ..."
"Fabulous."
"But pretty hot for this time of year."
"Yes, maybe too hot."
"Heckuva lot better than winter."
"Much better."
Some things are never mentioned in the polite world of the elevator. No one ever uses profanity. I mean, no one ever says, "I'm so fucked up today." That kind of colourful self-diagnosis would be crossing some imaginary line of good taste, I guess.
Other words are taboo in such polite company as well. Proper elevator etiquette forbids pretty much anything that deals with bodily functions. For example, no one uses the word, "masturbate." If, as everyone watches the red numbers on the elevator's control panel count down to the lobby, some young man or woman at the back of the elevator suddenly groaned, "I so need to masturbate," well, eyebrows would rise back up to the fifteenth floor, and some riders might fall into an irrepressible twitter, or tweet, or whatever the word is now.
The same is true for such perfectly good words like "fellatio" or "cunnilingus." Nobody uses those words, certainly not in an elevator, and usually not in any context at all.
I mean, you don't say to your significant other during, say, the heat of an argument, "Oh, please, just give me a fellatio." You might say, "Blow me," but never "Fellate me."
The same is true of "cunnilingus," truly a very strange word, because just saying it kind of twists your tongue into knots. Again, who says, "Please, how about a quick cunnilingus?" More than likely, the phrase would simply be, "Eat me."
Of course, the elevator is not the only place where polite language has a foothold. Some of you will be squirming in your knotty underwear just from reading such words as "masturbate," "fellatio," or "cunnilingus." Even typing them was a bit of a challenge, but I do so only to help free our language from languishing in the Land of Nospeak, where some words dangle unspoken, seemingly forever, like forbidden fruit hanging, ever so temptingly, from the Tree of Knowledge.
Once in a while, you have take a bite out of good taste.
Just don't bite too hard.
And never in an elevator, FFS.
Bad boy, bad bad boy ... I never know what to expect from you, and always love what you write and share with the world. However, you might want to rethink elevator chitchat ... or not.
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