King Kennedy

King Kennedy

I think I'd like to be King of the World.

Just imagine what that would do to alleviate some of my life's greatest problems.

I wouldn't have to wait in the drive-thru for a simple, stinking cup of coffee while the lady in the SUV in front of me orders the entire menu.

I wouldn't have to shop at Wal-Mart, even though I would because, I mean, who really wants clothes that last more than a month?

I wouldn't have to listen when someone said, "You can be whatever you want to be."

I wouldn't have to sneak over the fence and take a dip in the neighbour's pool in the middle of the night.

I wouldn't have to wait for Heaven.

I wouldn't have to use the Self-Serve gas pump and watch my bank account plummet while I squeaked half a tank into the beast because I could just drive up the Full Service lane and, with a sly snicker, say "Fill 'er up."

I wouldn't have to explain what I meant.

I wouldn't have to fly in the Economy section of an airplane and suffer long hours squeezed into a ball while reassuring an indifferent flight attendant that "Everything is fine, thank you."

I wouldn't have to watch CNN, unless I wanted to know what was happening in my life.

I wouldn't have to eat KFC right out of the bucket while bending over the sink and still manage to make a mess of a new white T-shirt.

I wouldn't have to listen to Elvis.

I wouldn't have to sleep naked on 200 count sheets and wake up wondering who gave me the rash.

I wouldn't have to get into useless arguments about God or politics.

I wouldn't have to wait to talk on my cell phone until it was during evening hours or on the weekend.

I wouldn't have to do tequila shots just to be socially acceptable.

I wouldn't have to cut out and save coupons, unless, of course, they were for more than 40% off.

I wouldn't have to do laundry and then try to match up socks that somehow seem to disappear in the rinse cycle.

I wouldn't have to phone people up in the middle of the night and say, "You busy?"

I wouldn't have to figure out how many more years it will take before I actually own my house.

I wouldn't have to be angry with the past or worried about the future.

I wouldn't have to know the location of every Dollar Store in every town I visit.

I wouldn't have to feel sorry for myself.

I wouldn't have to eat ice cream that was made by some generic company called "Ben and Harry's."

I wouldn't have to blame everyone else for screwing up the world.

I wouldn't have to haggle and argue with vendors at the flea market, unless they insisted.

I wouldn't have to join a club or take night classes just to fill in empty time.

I wouldn't have to worry if my inkjet cartridges would print one more photo.

I wouldn't have to listen to Anthony Robbins CD's.

I wouldn't have to ask the doctor if triple bypass heart surgery was really necessary.

I wouldn't have to just pretend to be smug, indifferent, or inaccessible.

In fact, I wouldn't even have to be me.