D.I.V.O.R.C.E

D.I.V.O.R.C.E

Toni Tennille, left, and Daryl Dragon, the singing duo "The Captain and Tenille

I can't say that I was surprised when, just the other day, I heard that The Captain and Tennille — who are both in their 70s — are divorcing after nearly four decades of marriage. After all, the divorce rate in North America is reportedly over 50%. To be honest, I have always wondered why that percentage isn't much, much higher.

Relationships that blossom in the spring of life often wither in the fall. Love and expectation can turn to anger and disillusionment. That change seems normal enough to me. After all, it's tough to keep the fire burning when the fuel of passion begins to run dry. So it goes. Things fall apart and people go their separate ways, often with the misguided belief that something better waits for them outside the marriage.

Of course, the exact opposite is often true. What waits for them is invariably a series of more failures.

I think what people fail to see is that a relationship falls apart, not because there is something lacking in your partner, but because there is something lacking in you. Sure, it's easy to blame the other person, but ultimately the blame has to do what chickens do and come home to roost.

Now don't get me wrong. I would be the last one to suggest that someone should stay in a crappy relationship. My point is that just one person doesn't make the whole thing crappy. It's simple mathematics — takes two halves to make a whole — and my guess is that both halves of the relationship were crappy.

Anyone who knows me very well will tell you that I do not believe in marriage. I believe in loving relationships, but the moment you put the marriage stamp on that love, it's like you have a ticking time bomb just waiting to explode and tear all those idealistic hopes and dreams asunder. That beautiful wedding that everyone paid an arm and a leg for becomes a distant memory, and you get to pay twice as much for the lawyers and assorted ne'er-do-wells that make you twice as financially strapped as you were when you were married.

Of course, the world is full of eternal optimists, and some people remarry after divorce. I have never been able to figure out why the law allows anyone to pursue a second, third or even fourth marriage. The serial divorcee compounds damage on damage and wreaks more havoc in the world than some of the worst criminals that we lock up in penitentiaries for a lifetime or two. These repeat offenders are really no better than marriage terrorists, blowing up one relationship here and another relationship there. There ought to be a law to stop them. Maybe we need to give "home" land security a completely new meaning and purpose.

I must say, however, that, while no longer a foolish believer in marriage, I have come to be a strong advocate for a single, heartfelt divorce. I mean, just think about it ... marriage is a tenuous, 50%-chance-of-success arrangement at best, but divorce ... ah, divorce is permanent. When you sign that marriage licence, you're just guessing it will last. When you sign that divorce decree, you can be damn sure it's going to last. There's something to be said for knowing what tomorrow will bring instead of wondering if you should "step away" or stay.

Love and marriage might get you a horse and carriage, but divorce gets you so much more ...

• Divorce? Those "friends" of his or hers will disappear like water down the drain, and you'll know at last that Suzie was a slug or Andrew a two-faced bastard.
  
  
• Divorce? Money won't matter. You won't have any.
  
  
• Divorce? That house you bought will turn into a tiny condo or apartment. Hey, less to clean.
  
  
• Divorce? You'll never have to worry about the fine print of a new car warranty again.
  
  
• Divorce? No more interfering in-laws, and more importantly, no more jellied salads at those mandatory Sunday dinners!
  
  
• Divorce? Your kids will suddenly find a whole new social group with which to interact. The burden of having two parents will fall from their tiny shoulders in the twinkling of an eye, and they will finally be able to relate to the television shows that they watch and fit in with the "cool" kids at school.
  
  
• Divorce? Burp, fart, and pick your nose or bum whenever deemed necessary.
  
  
• Divorce? All the take-away food you can handle.
  
  
• Divorce? It's the absolute wonder of being alone without feeling alone.
  
  
• Divorce? Ah, yes, all those hours of sinful flirtation and cyber-philandering on social media, without having to clear your computer's history afterwards.
  
  
• Divorce?
  

You see, marriage may be the gateway to everlasting happiness, but divorce is the key that opens the lock ...