Wednesday, November 02, 2016

Sex Toys ... Locked And Loaded

Sex Toys ... Locked And Loaded

I have to confess ... I am not an expert on sex toys.

Oh sure, I may have bought a few hundred bushels of condoms in my time, of which some were flavoured, some were knobby, some heated up, some even glowed in the dark. I'm not sure those slipcovers count as sex toys, at least not by today's standards.

Goodness, these days you can find all manner of the most peculiar items presumably to enhance your sexual pleasure. Vibrators, strap-ons, Ben Wa balls, beads, plugs, fleshlights, sybians, whips, chains, handcuffs, dildos, filldos, willydos, sillydos, and thrilldos. OK, I made some of those up. Still, there's an entire arsenal out there if you want it.

The days of the missionary position, slam-bam-thank-you-ma'am sex has fallen by the wayside. Even the most religiously righteous lovers are not opposed to a little boost in the bedroom. It seems that a little vibration adds to the joys of fornication. Someone needs to add an appendix to the Kama Sutra.

I must admit that I am a bit of a purist at heart, but I worry that, during some late-night rendezvous, someone will stop me and say. "Are those just your fingers?"

Truth be told, I like contraptions. I like techie things, so I find certain sex toys intriguing and simply downright fun. Give me a dildo, and I'll figure out what to do with it. If it buzzes, purrs, whines, or jitterbugs, all the better. If it lights up, has a siren and flashing lights, all the better. If I can check my email while using it, hey, all the better.

What irks me, however, is that the battlefield is an uneven one. There is one helluva lot more firepower in the sex toy arsenal for women than there is for men. Women seem to desire what men may not.

Give a woman an hour of foreplay, and you'll please her to no end. Spike that foreplay with a ten inch pink flamingo-like dildo, and you'll send her into another dimension. Never mind your penis. Just never mind that nasty, old, wrinkled hunk of flesh. The thrill is in the ordnance stashed away in that little shoebox under the bed.

What's that? No shoebox? No mechanical munitions? Try the refrigerator. Zucchini, cucumbers, carrots, eggplant and even a reasonable sweet potato are all valid choices for the vegan couple.

Still, I'm not sure what a man gets to look forward to? Sure, you can handcuff him to the bed, whip his sorry ass with some kind of tickler, gag and blindfold him. You can stick something up his anus, force a cock ring over his swollen member, and taunt him with some kind of feathery dustbuster, but you wouldn't really be pulling the trigger, if you get my drift. Now, I can see how delaying the inevitable might be titillating and maybe even tantalizing. I can understand how sex play can get a guy locked and loaded, but eventually a man wants you to fire the bazooka — more often sooner rather than later. Force a man to endure an hour of foreplay if you want, but don't be surprised if, by the end of that hour, he isn't fast asleep. Unlike women, men don't enjoy the journey as much as they enjoy arriving at their destination.

Sex play is a healthy thing. What worries me is that some folks may become so dependent on sex toys that, without a bobble-head in the mix, that moment of pleasure never reaches its climax. Then what do you do? Have the family over for an intervention?

I also wonder if a couple turns to sex toys to find something that has gone missing in their relationship. Sadly, when the thrill is gone, the thrill is gone. No amount of sex toys will make up for that one thing that has helped people enjoy sex more than anything else: love.

Love and romance go a long ways to completing the needs of any couple. Being close to someone means just that — being close, so close that nothing separates skin from skin, so close that all our natural senses, touch, taste, sight, sound and smell, bring two people together in a way that no one has ever really been able to describe completely. And just think ... you will save a fortune on batteries.




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