Ass-Backwards ... Muddling Through The Aesthetics Of The Back Forty

Jan Saudek ~ In The Fine Art Gallery [2001]

Ass-Backwards ...
Muddling Through The Aesthetics Of The Back Forty


I must confess that I am no expert on physical beauty. More importantly, I'm not really attracted to someone's physical appearance or to a particular body type. Tall or short, skinny or fat, an hourglass figure or no figure at all — I'm not sure that any of that is the measure of beauty.

Beauty is some kind of whole person experience. Physicality must be combined with intellectuality and spirituality. I like creative, positive people, regardless of the shape of their elbows, the colour of their eyes, or the breadth of the bumps that protrude from certain areas of their bodies. I shun ineffective, pessimistic people, who see life as the pursuit of denigrating the human spirit, and I shun them even if they float into my life as the reincarnation of Marilyn Monroe.

Still, we do live in a world that seems to judge beauty on the basis of body parts. "Great legs," "fabulous breasts," "beautiful eyes," "washboard abs" — these, and other phrases like them, are often the watchwords we use to define our measure of attractiveness.

To me, it's all very odd.

Take, for example, Kim Kardashian. To be honest, I know almost nothing about Kim Kardashian. I have heard that she is allegedly an internet porn star and that she has a "reality" television show of some sort. Apparently, she was married for a day or two, or maybe it was a couple of weeks, and then she bailed out of her nuptials like she had just discovered she was on the Titanic and not on a Disney Fantasy Cruise. Lately, I have heard she is dating Kanye West, a hippity-hop singer, but not the one who sang the song, "My Humps," which begins with the lines: "What you gon' do with all that junk?/All that junk inside your trunk?" Too bad. Somehow the line seems perfectly fitting for Ms Kardashian.

You see, Kim Kardashian's claim to fame is supposedly her ass, buttocks, nates, arse, butt, backside, bum, buns, can, fundament, hindquarters, hind end, keister, posterior, prat, rear, rump, tush, bottom, behind, derrière, fanny ... well you pick your favourite term for her glutæus maximus extremus.

In America, "big" has always been synonymous with "better." Big car, big house, big salary, big television, big stereo, biggie fries, big gulp, big, big, big — the list is probably endless — and all of it is "better." So, if one were fascinated with body parts, it should come as no surprise that big boobs, big eyes, big lips, big penis, big vagina might also be seen as "better" in popular American culture. However, from my recollection of locker-room chatter, a big ass was never really seen as being "better" in any sense of the word. In fact, in my generation, saying someone had a "big ass" was pretty pejorative, a kind of sexual condemnation, and certainly not a compliment, certainly nothing like the celebratory exuberance one has over buying a house with a big back yard.

Kim Kardashian makes no excuses for her plentiful posterior, and she seems to have no qualms about flaunting it on a moment's notice. Apparently, in today's world of glamour and sh/fame, what is important to some people is simply to be noticed, no matter what it takes to achieve that goal. Big ass equals big publicity. Big publicity equals big opportunity. Big equals better. Everywhere you turn these days, the unrelenting mantra is: "Go big or go home!" Assuming, of course, you have a home to which to go.

Now, from a purely aesthetic point of view, the truth is that Kim Kardashian's backside is no tiny hiney, no small feature relative to her fairly diminutive, 5'2" stature. In fact, I might go as far as to say that, from pretty much any angle, it seems downright out of proportion. You can barely see the forest for the trees, barely really see the woman before being overwhelmed by the cut of her butt. Oh, it's all ass-backwards, because, metaphorically, the caboose is pulling the train.

All in all, I am sure that Kim Kardashian is a very nice, young woman. She is a little superficial, perhaps, and definitely prone to some pretty weird self-promotion, but she has made a fortune out of being a celebrity with no obvious creative talents apart from her ability to bolster her pop-culture "assets" in the media. She has simply achieved the American Dream, lifted herself into a world of riches, and quite literally, worked her butt off to accomplish what she has in fact accomplished.

Ms Kardashian has also helped to change how our younger generation understands the world, especially in terms of "what's hot and what's not." These days, big is better. The XXXL keister is a much sought after perk, and the perkier the better, in the pick-up world of nightclub-hopping and Jersey Shore. So, kudos to you, Kim Kardashian, kudos for helping to change our perceptions. The allure of the once sought after "pouty ass" has given way to an outright longing for the "big-is-better backside slide."

When will all this buttressing end? No one can say for sure. Nevertheless, time has a peculiar way of switching from fashion to fashion and replacing one fascination with a new fascination.

Time is also the cruellest custodian of how the body changes. I can't help but wonder how much more expansive Ms Kardashian's rearward rack might get when she reaches her forty-somethings. After all, age is not kind to humps and bumps. Still, imagine the possibilities. How much bigger would that rear ledge have to be before you could serve tea on it, say in the event that the Queen shows up and all the parlour tables are crowded with Precious Moments knick-knacks? Oh dear, do you think I'm being a little insensitive? Well, of course I am, no ifs, ands, or butts about it ...