Ode To A Before Picture ...

Ode To A Before Picture ...

the big ol' half-moon gloats
as it bloats you
and floats you
across the room
like a Ringling Brothers elephant
riding a peculiarly small
but brightly coloured circus ball
until with a splat!
you teeter this way and that
until you tumble down
flat
on the floral-covered crippled couch
where you spread out
and unfold
and unfold
and unfold
just like you were a road map
of Eurasia

oh, yes, i love you baby
and i'm a dummy
for your tummy
even when it's a bit crumb-crummy
but, heck, just let me vacuum it first

yes, it's truly appalling
when your boobs start falling
and folks stop calling
not because you've gained
a hundred pounds or two
not because there's really nothing much else to do
but you see
these new hybrid cars
are just a bit too small
in breadth and stature
and it would take
another rapture
to squeeze you
in the back
of a car like that
it would be like
squeezing Gibraltar
through the tiniest crack
sort of like forcing white through black

oh, yes, i love you baby
i love you just the way you are
i'll save some cash and buy some big classic 60's car
and we'll drive away along the bay but not too very far
to watch the day burn and crash in a red and fiery burst

some say the summer sun
is a nasty old hack
a steamy heart breaker
some say a one-eyed Jack
but let's spend our days
in the molten haze
of some hot and steamy beach
where we'll french fry on the sand
or maybe toe-dabble in the surf
where you can pick up broken shells
out of crashing seaside swells
and collect puzzle pieces
of the brightest sea glass
but it's just a guess
that you'll want to dress
in the flowing pastels
of billowing no-tells
carefully draped like closehauled ship sails
to cover up that ass
no, no, no ...
no more hiding
in summer's muumuus
or winter's straight black sack
think a little less Aretha Franklin
and a little more Roberta Flack

oh, yes, i love you baby
but no more sodas and not another chocolate sweet
no more slogging ales with all the bald Brits you love to meet
no more chasing skinny dreams and feeling completely incomplete
can't you see that before and after can always be reversed?