Thursday, May 19, 2016

Talking Vaginas

Talking Vaginas

While driving to the local Starbucks for this morning's coffee, I was listening to this discussion two women were having on the radio.

One of the women had just written a book on empowering women. Yes, it was the usual schlopp about how women have been made to seem inferior to men at work, in politics, in marriage, well, in just about anything you can imagine. I was about to change the channel when the author said the most peculiar thing.

She said, "Women have to speak through their vaginas."

Now, I have to admit that, in my younger years after a particularly hedonistic bout of drinking, I did meet a talking vagina. For the life of me, I can't recall exactly what that vagina said to me, and I'm not even sure if the vagina and I engaged in a conversation of any great length. I suspect not. I mean, I am a great conversationalist and all, but it has to be hard to speak to a vagina. Otherwise, what's the point?

The point is that today's world truly is filled with a great deal of blather.

Everywhere you turn, someone has a theory about something and is out flogging their views on the radio, television, social media, even in blogs like this one.

How to eat, how to sleep, how to have sex, how to get rich, how to find Jesus, how to hide from Jesus — how to do this and how to do that — every topic imaginable is covered and then recovered ad nauseum by a growing list of so-called "experts."

I am not an expert on anything. For me, writing is like masturbation, except I'm always hoping some orgasmic delight will pop out of my big head, as opposed to my little head. Some days are quite rewarding; other days end with nothing more than a wet noodle. Hey, you take what you're given.

Now, don't get me wrong. I am not opposed to self-help books. I'll only say that if it's self-help you need, then start with yourself. Reading what someone else believes is true may not be true for you. The best self-help book is right inside your head. You just have to read it, and you won't read it if you're wasting your time reading the ridiculous ideas of other people.

As for talking vaginas, well, I'm all in, as far as it goes.

I'm just not inclined to take a talking vagina out to dinner or to the family reunion. I mean, other than talk, does a talking vagina also pay any kind of lip-service to social conventions such as remembering not to burp in polite company?

I can't imagine what's next. Perhaps some gay guy will write a book about empowering the gay man by speaking through his asshole.

Now, that I see as a worthy publication.

After all, it takes one to know one.




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