Friday, July 22, 2016

Don't Ask, Don't Tell

Don't Ask, Don't Tell

What's considered promiscuous in 2016?

A new survey by asked that question, and the results may surprise you.

For women, if you've had 14 sexual partners, then you are considered promiscuous. For men, the number was 15.2 sexual partners as the threshold for promiscuity. Now, don't be guessing what that .2 is all about. I suspect some guy reported a ménage à trois in the mix, and that would account for the screwed up average.

Here is the complete breakdown of the survey:

The apparently ideal number of sexual partners, before you meet that special someone, is somewhere in the neighbourhood of 7.

Why 7, you ask? Oh, come on ... isn't 7 the "lucky" number?

The survey also questioned the reliability of a man or woman's reporting. If you're tempted to stretch the truth a little, you're in good company. Some 8.2 per cent of women have said that they've had sex with more people than they actually have — and 17.5 per cent of men have. Those who try and be coy about their sexual past are even larger. Of women, 18.6 per cent have decreased the number of people they've slept with, and 13.7 per cent of men have done the same.

Thinking back, I once had a girlfriend who blurted out one night that I was #19. Not only was I surprised at becoming a #19, but somehow, I didn't feel special anymore. So, without missing a beat, I simply said, "Really? You're #163."

The thing is, we are not numbers. If you're scratching notches on your bedpost for the number of lovers you have had, then I suspect you might need some kind of help. You may find a certain amount of pride in the fact that you've had so many sexual partners that you're already notching the second bedpost, but, hey, maybe you're just so shitty in bed that no one hangs around for a second go. Just sayin'.

Yes, it's definitely a myth that the higher the number, the better the lover. Quantity is never a guarantee of quality. You can hoe a row of beans near 70 times a day, but the next morning you'll still find a weed popping its head up.

Sex is not like practicing for the Olympics. Sex is not perfected by some repetitious rhythm, not about "doing it" until you get it right. In fact, sex with any partner should always be a novelty, something fresh and new. No two women or men are the same, and I have always thought of sex as something of an exploratory journey, not exactly a mission to "boldly go where no man has gone before," but something of an opportunity to connect two lives together in a special way.

So don't ask, and don't tell. The moment you start throwing around numbers, you are also throwing caution to the wind. One or both of you will feel slighted, if not somehow absurdly inadequate. You'll quickly discover that making comparisons back and forth is the death knell of your relationship.

Even through the course of a relationship, you don't count. You don't say, "That was our 26th time." Such a methodical approach to lovemaking is no longer about lovemaking. It's more a form of accounting, as if you have a spread sheet adding up your sexual encounters, and possibly even differentiating between the good, the bad, and the ugly. No one wants to sleep with an amateur actuary.

Finally, it's important to remember that no arbitrary number makes you a slut or some kind of gigolo. Being a "player" has to do with the way you view sex, not how many times you've had sex. If you view sex as some kind of fortuitous adventure game, sort of like Pokémon Go, then you run the risk of never finding the experience of making love as anything but another stop along the way. Eventually, you'll wake up one morning and wonder why your lovemaking is never special. It's never special because you've turned the whole emotional component over ass backwards. It's never about getting a feel; it's always about how you feel.

Trust me. If you view sex as the consummation of an emotional attachment you feel with another person, then your lovemaking will have a much deeper, more penetrating, and more satisfying meaning for you.




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