Thursday, July 21, 2016

Lies Your Mother Told You

Lies Your Mother Told You

Moms are great. There's no two ways about it. Moms are caring, loving, nurturing, patient, helpful, attentive, and always want the very best for their children. Of course, moms are also terrible liars.


Sadly, it's true.

Moms tell you that you can be anything you want to be, if only you'll work hard enough to accomplish your goals. Oh oh, that's a lie. The short pudgy girl is never going to be a runway model, no matter how hard she tries. The clumsy, two-left-footed young man is never going to be a professional athlete no matter how hard he tries. You see, genetics sometimes rears its ugly head. What you might have dreamed of becoming sometimes has very little to do with your determination to get there. If your body type doesn't fit the bill, you will be sorely disappointed.

Perhaps sensing the flaw in her logic, Mom will tell you that you can have any kind of body type if only you're willing to make sacrifices, to exercise, eat some kind of weird macro-biotic diet and so on. Oh oh, another lie. Exercise won't make you taller or shorter, give you bigger or smaller breasts, and no diet will guarantee you a Kardashian butt, if you were born to have a flat one. Stick a pillow in the seat of your pants, or get yourself some padded underwear.

Moms tell you that good things come to those who wait. Oh dear, another whopper. Those who procrastinate end up with empty hands. Want to go to Lake Aknawannabee Summer Camp? Wait and see how quickly all the spots are gone. Want to see a concert featuring your favourite pop star or group? Wait and see how quickly those tickets disappear. Waiting sometimes works against your every hope. Act fast, and don't be disappointed.

Moms tell you that every cloud has a silver lining. Uh huh, another misdirection. Where's the silver lining when you discover that you aren't accepted into college? Where's the silver lining when you discover that having sex with Jimmy Quarterback leaves you pregnant at 15 years of age and holding the ball all by yourself? Sometimes, there simply is no silver lining, not even a bronze lining, just a torrent of rain under a very dark cloud.

Moms tell you that honesty is always the best policy. Oh my, the irony of it all. Honesty may be the best policy when you're stopped by the police and asked for some identification, but in most other cases, we don't want the truth at all. We may ask, "Do I look fat in this dress?" I can't imagine anyone is going to say, "God, you look huge." We may ask, "Do you think I have a chance with Sammy?" Again, I can't imagine anyone saying, "Good grief, you have absolutely no chance at all." Honesty? For most of us, it's a conditional situation. If we're talking about someone else, as in "She's such a ho," then sure, we stretch honesty to its limits. If we're talking about ourselves or someone close to us, then the best policy is not honesty. The best policy is to lie, to maintain some kind of self-dignifying illusion.

Moms tell you never to cry over spilled milk. Oops, another slip up. When life breaks you into a thousand pieces, cry away. There's no value in deferring or bottling up your emotions. Letting your sorrows spill out over the brim is cathartic. The hurt will disappear much faster when you allow the hurt to have its day.

Moms tell you that, if life gives you lemons, make lemonade. Really? Life is not a lemonade stand selling shots at 5¢ apiece. Sour is sour, and sometimes making something that is sour into something that is sweet is virtually impossible. How do you make lemonade when your best friend is killed in a car accident?

Moms tell you that there are plenty of fish in the sea. Yikes, no there aren't. Unless, you're graced with the good looks and the bank account of a Hollywood movie star, you'll be lucky to come away with one fish snapped by the gills to your stringer. Most of us only want that one special catch of the day. Sadly, the catch of the day sometimes starts to smell pretty rotten in no time at all. Sure, you can throw your partner out with yesterday's newspaper, but don't expect another fish to float by your bait any time soon. These days, relationships are at a minimum. Now, I'm not saying that we should keep the gnarly catfish when it is clear that he or she is a stinkeroo, but it's always best to know what lies ahead. Sometimes, a life alone is preferable to a life of abuse. Just remember, there is such a thing as a life alone. Maybe you can turn it into lemonade.




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