Wednesday, October 26, 2016

Who's A Good Boy?

Who's A Good Boy?

Dogs — they get away with everything the rest of us don't.

Oh, So Needy
When it comes to a relationship with another human being, there's a limit to the neediness you or your partner exhibit. Generally speaking, leaving the house for work or an after-hours engagement should not send your human partner into a tizzy.

Your dog, on the other hand, can have shivers and shakes, can whine like an airport metal detector, and can literally destroy your home the moment you leave. Some dogs, you see, suffer from a separation-complex unlike any other. When you return home, and your pooch is sitting in a pile of your shredded underwear, what do you do? Send the poor thing packing?

Noooo ... after your initial proclamation of "Bad dog, bad, bad, bad dog," you simply clean up the mess and welcome said maniacal mutt back into your bed when it's time to get some sleep.

If your human partner exhibited the same tendencies because you went out alone for an evening, well, I seriously doubt you'd be pulling back the sheets for him or her.

A Green Eyed Treasure
Jealousy, they say, is the green-eyed monster. Most of you will not tolerate it in a human mate. In a dog, however, it is just oh so cute. Let's face it, if you own a dog, your dog owns you. If some puffed up poodle comes dancing your way along the city street and flicks a pom-pom your way for a free pat, that French pooch is looking for trouble. Your pup will not tolerate any kind of casual sharing, and with a growl and a snarl, he'll send that bitch of a Mademoiselle packing.

Now, if your human partner gets hit on by someone in a bar, while you are in the washroom, and sure enough, there's a little chat-o-chat going on when you return, you can't suddenly start a mini nuclear war. If you do, you're probably going to spend the night in the inappropriately named "dog house." People don't tolerate being "property" or owned by anyone. Only dogs get to do that.

Beggar's Banquet
Oh sure, it's cute when your resident mongrel is under the kitchen table and clawing at your leg for scraps from your dinner. And sure, I guess there's not a whole lot wrong with you slipping pooch-mooch a piece of chicken or steak. It's all a part of the dog-as-master-of-the-chef scenario.

Let your human partner say, "Hun, I'm begging you," and red flags start popping up like fireworks on the 4th of July. Human begging is just begging for trouble.

Look Who's Stalking
Need to go pee? Go ahead, but don't expect to go alone. Dogs follow and stalk you from room to room. If a dog doesn't know where you are, then that hound will track you down. Dogs don't care about the privacy of your personal hygiene. Quite the opposite. They love to share your soap, your bath cloth, your toilet paper — all fair game.

Have a human partner with the same inclination? No, you don't.

Poop de Jour
I'm not sure why, but if there's a dog in the house, it is a foregone conclusion that, when you need to traipse to the washroom in the middle of the night, you will almost certainly step in a wet and warm pile of poop. Pooch and poop go together like peanut butter and jam. I trust the comparison is apt.

Now, human partners rarely poop on the carpet between the bedroom and the bathroom. OK, you may know better, but in my experience, I have yet to run into that kind of dump à la chump behaviour.

No, human partners are much more subtle. Human partners tend to dump a shitload of drama on one another at the most inopportune times, usually at bedtime, and quite honestly, that kind of crap is completely unacceptable. I'd rather be washing my feet in the shower than trying to clear out a bunch of hysteria and brouhaha from the other side of the mattress.

No Sniffs, Humps, or Butts
So your Aunt Regina comes for a visit, and the first thing fido does is sniff her butt before unceremoniously beginning to hump her leg. Yes, it happens all the time. Sure you pull the horndog away from her, but the moment you let go of that collar ... Whoops ... There It Is! Frisky is back at it, this time with an accompanying serenade of groans and growls. And what does Aunt Regina say? "Oh, the poor thing is all right, dear, perfectly all right," even as she gives the panting pet a quick kick to the groin.

Now, a human partner might engage in butt-sniff or a dry hump as well, and such an action may even be tolerable under certain conditions. But if your boo is dry humping your Aunt Regina, well, there's obviously a more sociopathic element at work.




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