Kristmas Kisses: A Primer For Surviving The Holidays

Yeah, maybe not ...

Kristmas Kisses: A Primer For Surviving The Holidays

Now that the holiday season is fast approaching, many of you will be getting out and about to visit friends and family. My experience with all this sudden socializing is that a whole lot of kissing takes place as people mingle at various Christmas functions.

For example, at the office Christmas party, you may be called upon to kiss some of your colleagues. Usually, such kisses involve a single air kiss somewhere in the proximity of one of your ears, unless you live in Europe, where most people prefer the double air kiss, one invisible peck per cheek.

On the odd occasion, however, there will be one individual who dives in for a kiss on the lips. Such impertinence may catch you by surprise, but it's important to remember not to be overly bemused. This bold adventure is really no big deal and probably innocent enough unless, of course, that individual slips you the peppermint tongue. Then, there may be something else going on. Remain calm. Do not moan, groan, or suddenly reach for an erotic zone. Above all else, it is probably not advisable to send your tongue back to that person. Doing so might be interpreted as a signal that you have the rest of the night free and that maybe the two of you could find a room at the inn. Should there be no rooms at the inn, seemingly a typical scenario during the Christmas season, you could well end up in a car idling somewhere on the back forty of the Walmart parking lot, where all kinds of extra giving and receiving could take place.

Family functions also usually involve a certain amount of kissing. Once again, greeting members of the "family" with a kiss seems innocent enough. I must report, however, that on more than one occasion during my married years when I attended such get-togethers with the in-laws, there was one of my ex's younger sisters who took the salutatory kiss to a whole other level. Not only was the kiss somewhat provocative, but the manner in which she ran her fingers down my back sent a shiver right back up my spine, and for the life of me I don't know why, but my own hands drifted over her derrière.

Such a greeting is definitely not advisable. It confuses the whole festive purpose of the evening, and the folks around you get as prickly as the needles on that Boy Scout Christmas tree. Worse still, when you return home later that evening to fall into bed with your spouse, you may find a whole new meaning to the term, "silent night," and you'd be a fool to expect your sleigh bells to be jingling anytime soon.

Since many say that Christmas is for kids, there will most likely always be young children around, and little people under the age of about five or six years love to kiss. It's as if they are high on nutmeg or secretly practising for their future romances.

Personally, I avoid kissing kids. If the situation is so awkward that I absolutely must offer a kiss to some pre-school coddler, I aim for the top of his or her head. Over the years, I have discovered that every other inch of a toddler's anatomy seems a little too well-basted and dripping with daycare bacteria.

No, for me, kissing a kid today almost guarantees that tomorrow will find me with a sore throat, watery eyes, and a fever spiking me into the Emergency Ward at the local hospital. Don't get me wrong. I love kids, but I prefer them at a reasonably safe distance.

Given my disinclination to kiss kids, it should come as no surprise that I vehemently refuse to kiss people's pets. Why is it that some people treat their cats, dogs, gerbils, or whatever as part of the family?

I have found dog owners to be especially troublesome. Many dog owners seem to have some kind of cross-breeding addiction for the tongue-wagging smooches of their household hounds, and you no sooner get in the door than they are pushing little Coco in your face. There is no rule of etiquette that says you must kiss someone's yappy Lhasa Apso. I know where that pooch's tongue has been for most of the day, so that little critter can hump and humbugger my leg all night long, but there is no way in hell that the little varmint is getting anywhere near my mouth.

So, after all the shortbread and eggnog, after all the fruitcake and hot toddies, after all the good tidings of comfort and joy, is it really all that important to wet the stamp of any Christmas occasion with a kiss? Won't a warm handshake do? A wink of the eye? A nudge or a smile? From where I stand, Kristmas Kisses usually do more harm than good, and I assure you, I am definitely not standing under the mistletoe.