The One-Finger SaluteRoad Rage
The other day, I was driving to Walmart to buy Charmin Extra-Soft Toilet Paper, which was on sale if you bought the 48 roll package — sort of a lifetime supply for most people who, like me, live alone.
I turned right onto Queen Street by way of one of those Yield lanes, and as I came into the main flow of traffic, I signalled and pulled into the slowest lane.
At the next stop light, I was stunned to find the contorted face of a menopausal soccer mom in my driver's side window. She was whooping and wailing over her misconception that I had cut her off. I powered down my window to hear her tell me that I was a "stupid son-of-a-bitch" who had no "mother-fucking business" being on the road. My initial impression of her was that she was awfully brave, because had her moustache been just a little thicker, I might have stepped from my van and settled matters mano a mano.
I didn't, of course, and simply said to her in my quietest voice, "Go back to your car." Then I powered my window back up and waited for the light to turn green so that I could simply drive away from the hideous sideshow that was playing (for a limited engagement) there in the middle of morning traffic.
Road rage ... it has reached epidemic proportions.
I have never understood what happens to some people when they get behind the driving wheel of an automobile. Many drivers seem to fall into a fugue or some kind of temporary insanity. Otherwise peace-loving people — family folks with two kids, a cocker spaniel, and a mortgage — suddenly seem overwhelmed with an urge to kill every other driver in their path.
How do you know if you are prone to road rage?
Well, if the words to your favourite song on the car radio suddenly turn into screaming obscenities, then you probably suffer from road rage.
If you find yourself giving every nearby driver a one-finger salute, then you probably suffer from road rage.
If one of your hands seems to be stuck to the horn with some kind of invisible crazy-glue, then you probably suffer from road rage.
If you can't pass a car without craning your head out your side window just to make sure a real person is driving and not some dog or crash test dummy, and if, when you see that the driver is in fact a normal person, you have to make your stupidest, most dumbfounded look while you mouth the words, "What the fuck?", then you probably suffer from road rage.
If you pull up behind a stopped school bus full of kids giving you the raspberries out the back window and you start sticking out your tongue or generating some obscene pantomime of oral sex, then you probably suffer from road rage.
Even if you do nothing but fume and fret, fuss and fidget, as you come to a standstill in the middle of traffic, then you probably suffer from passive-aggressive road rage.
Yes, all the world sometimes seems a little off kilter. There's not much you can do to escape the shortcomings and the inept driving habits of others.
The best that I can offer is that you try to remain calm, cool, and collected. Try to remember that you will eventually get to your destination, and hopefully that 48 roll package of Charmin Extra-Soft Toilet Paper will still be there waiting for you. If every last package is gone, don't give in to the temptation to slam your shopping cart into the Chips Ahoy! display. That would be symptomatic of shopping rage, very similar to road rage, but a topic best left to another occasion.
The other day, I was driving to Walmart to buy Charmin Extra-Soft Toilet Paper, which was on sale if you bought the 48 roll package — sort of a lifetime supply for most people who, like me, live alone.
I turned right onto Queen Street by way of one of those Yield lanes, and as I came into the main flow of traffic, I signalled and pulled into the slowest lane.
At the next stop light, I was stunned to find the contorted face of a menopausal soccer mom in my driver's side window. She was whooping and wailing over her misconception that I had cut her off. I powered down my window to hear her tell me that I was a "stupid son-of-a-bitch" who had no "mother-fucking business" being on the road. My initial impression of her was that she was awfully brave, because had her moustache been just a little thicker, I might have stepped from my van and settled matters mano a mano.
I didn't, of course, and simply said to her in my quietest voice, "Go back to your car." Then I powered my window back up and waited for the light to turn green so that I could simply drive away from the hideous sideshow that was playing (for a limited engagement) there in the middle of morning traffic.
Road rage ... it has reached epidemic proportions.
I have never understood what happens to some people when they get behind the driving wheel of an automobile. Many drivers seem to fall into a fugue or some kind of temporary insanity. Otherwise peace-loving people — family folks with two kids, a cocker spaniel, and a mortgage — suddenly seem overwhelmed with an urge to kill every other driver in their path.
How do you know if you are prone to road rage?
Well, if the words to your favourite song on the car radio suddenly turn into screaming obscenities, then you probably suffer from road rage.
If you find yourself giving every nearby driver a one-finger salute, then you probably suffer from road rage.
If one of your hands seems to be stuck to the horn with some kind of invisible crazy-glue, then you probably suffer from road rage.
If you can't pass a car without craning your head out your side window just to make sure a real person is driving and not some dog or crash test dummy, and if, when you see that the driver is in fact a normal person, you have to make your stupidest, most dumbfounded look while you mouth the words, "What the fuck?", then you probably suffer from road rage.
If you pull up behind a stopped school bus full of kids giving you the raspberries out the back window and you start sticking out your tongue or generating some obscene pantomime of oral sex, then you probably suffer from road rage.
Even if you do nothing but fume and fret, fuss and fidget, as you come to a standstill in the middle of traffic, then you probably suffer from passive-aggressive road rage.
Yes, all the world sometimes seems a little off kilter. There's not much you can do to escape the shortcomings and the inept driving habits of others.
The best that I can offer is that you try to remain calm, cool, and collected. Try to remember that you will eventually get to your destination, and hopefully that 48 roll package of Charmin Extra-Soft Toilet Paper will still be there waiting for you. If every last package is gone, don't give in to the temptation to slam your shopping cart into the Chips Ahoy! display. That would be symptomatic of shopping rage, very similar to road rage, but a topic best left to another occasion.
This is a perfect topic for discussion. When someone behind me blows their horn in an attempt to get me to go from zero to 60 in 3 seconds flat, I smile, wave, and say "thank you," as the driver whips around me.
ReplyDeleteOddly enough, we both end up at the next red light at exactly the same time.
Some people live in that hurry up and wait cycle ...
Deletehehehe surly 48 roll package of Charmin Extra-Soft Toilet Paper was worth to be on the road that day !
ReplyDeleteYes, I'm a sucker for a bargain ...
DeleteLol well I remember when I first started driving and encountered road rage. The lady whipped around me stopped at the light. Got out of her car. Screamed like a banche and got back in her car zooming down the road. I was mortified. I recall locking my door and making sure the windows were rolled up. She scared me to death. Well, I still keep the doors locked around those lunatics!
ReplyDeleteMaybe she was on her way to church ... haha ...
Delete~chuckle~ ... Those angry drivers are quite amusing actually because all that hot air doesn't seem to give them the edge at all, as we are usually sitting at the next interesection at the same time ..... Funny souls ... a little like some crazed cartoon character really ....
ReplyDeleteThey are funny, but also unpredictable ... and a little scary ...
DeleteEvery one of us has gone through this. It's unsettling. The reason? When you're in a car, you're vulnerable - and nothing will shatter that little cocoon of supposed safety than somebody who has blood in his or her eye and a mission to cause you harm - even if it's verbal.
ReplyDeleteYour advice is sound - remain calm - and carry on.....
Yes, it's like entering the Heart of Darkness ... du calme...
DeleteI once had a guy flip me off after what was clearly a mortal sin of an infraction on my part, KJ.
ReplyDeleteAs I am still stopped behind him after several traffic turns, he starts gesturing apologetically with his hands and shrugging his shoulders, looking at me in his rear view mirror and out of his driver's side window. I, stone faced, do not react, but instead look straight ahead at him and continue driving behind him for several turns more.
By this time, this brave soul is apparently contemplating the wisdom of his actions, thinking he's flipped off either a mafioso or Hell's Angel, and he is now convinced that I'm following him home or that perhaps I'm following him for a confrontation of fisticuffs, or worse, the next time he stops and gets out of his car. I am not; I just happen to be going the same direction he is going.
At the next stop, taking his free right, he pulls right in front of someone, nearly causing an accident. He's panicked and clearly trying to get away from me at this point. Weaving in and out of traffic, he nearly causes another accident. Further down the road, he runs a red light.
A half mile further down the road, I could nearly hear his sigh of relief and feel the tension leave his person, as I pass him by, while he is waiting in a long line of cars to make a left turn.
~M
Haha ... tables turned ... good one ...
Delete48 rolls of toilet tissue and road rage..........yes, they seem to go together well LOL.
ReplyDeleteGreat post Kennedy. It made me laugh , thanks.
Haha ... everything is a metaphor to me ...
Delete