Friday, January 01, 2016

Livin' La Vida Mocha

Livin' La Vida Mocha

I was supposed to be at a New Year's Eve party last night, but I was feeling a bit under the weather, so I skipped it and went to bed early. I was reading and sipping a glass of blueberry-pomegranate juice over easy in a wine goblet with a fluted stem, when the phone rang.


"Where are you?"


"Where are you? We're all waiting for the life of the party, but, guess what? You're not here!"

"Oh, well, I'm a little under the weather, so I thought I'd have an early night."

"You're sick? You just got over a cold, and you're sick again?"

"You make it sound as if I'm always sick."

"You always are. You don't eat properly."

"I eat fine."

"You don't know about vitamins and herbs. You need to go to a homeopathic practitioner."

"But I'm not gay."

"Not homosexual, homeopathic."

"Still sounds like there will be some probing where I prefer not to be probed."

"Naaa, they test your toenails and hair and stuff like that."

"I'm not relinquishing any toenails."

"You'll be fine. I know this guy. Let me take you. I'll pick you up at 9:00 Monday morning. I swear, you'll feel better in a day. Seriously, he does miracles, and you'll like him. He's Spanish."


"Well, Mexican ... visa pending."

"I thought most of these homeo guys were Chinese or Vietnamese or the like."

"No ... well ... yes, many are Asian, but those guys are into weird shit like black bear scrotum and stuff like that."

"You mean, 'beastial transgendering ...'?"

"No, no, no ... I don't really know how it works. I think they grind up a black bear scrotum and you make it into a shake ... mocha flavour."

"It comes in a mix?"

"Yes, a powder."

"Do they have other flavours?"

"No. Just mocha."

"Is it sugar-free?"

"I'm sure it is."

"No aspartame?"

"No ... sucralose, you know, like Splenda."

"OK ... let's go to one of the bear guys. We'll hit him up for a sample at least."

"Are you sure you don't want to go to the Spanish guy?"


"Same thing."

"No, I've been to Spain, and I've been to Mexico. Not the same thing. Don't you know any Asian homeo's?"

"Just one."

"What's his name?"

"Dr. Nip Long Wong ... works downtown above a bakery."

"OK, let's try the Mexican guy instead ..."



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