Friday, October 16, 2015

So, Where Are You Tonight, Charles Darwin?

So, Where Are You Tonight, Charles Darwin?

If good old Charles Darwin got it right, then we have somehow evolved from tadpole to lizard to lemur to monkey to caveman to homo erection and so on until, presto change-o, here we are in the 21st century.

Phew, it's been one hell of a ride.

I suppose, along the way, there must have been some pretty dramatic moments, some good and some bad. When Grunt discovered that he could plop a woolly mammoth's shin bone in a pool of steamy water and make soup ... well, I guess that was a good thing, but when Gronk came along and figured out that, with just the right twist of the wrist, he could take that shin bone, bash Grunt's brains out, and have all the soup to himself ... well, I guess that was a bad thing.

Good and bad ... tough words to define when the object of the evolutionary process was to change and improve on what was last century's design. Some species were meant to thrive; others never made out alive. So it goes.

All in all, the history of evolutionary change has been an exciting process. I mean, just imagine all the transforming moments, like when some hairy ancestor of yours woke up to discover that he had an opposable thumb. Suddenly, the possibility of pinching Rocksanna's fat fanny came into play. Mmm ... for Mmmagical.

I can't help but think, however, that if the theory of evolution is true, something happened, and the whole process short-circuited at some point. Humanity, after all, hasn't much changed for a millennium or two. We walk the walk and talk the talk much the same way as we did when B.C. became A. D. Where, oh where, are all the modern differentiations and improvements?

Take childbirth, for example. Nine months? Really? Wouldn't you think evolution would have cut that down to one or two months? Why are we stuck on nine, when at least six of those months are preposterously uncomfortable for everyone concerned? Wouldn't you think that in the grand scheme of things, children would be born in a more efficient way? In fact, I've often wondered why humans are not more like birds. Wouldn't it make more sense if we could just lay eggs and leave them in the crock pot for a week or two? That alone would exclude the hideous maternity clothes, the stretch marks, the absurdly useless Lamaze classes, the "extra" weight gain, the puffiness ... well the list may be endless. Why haven't women evolved in such a way that the whole in utero plumbing scheme of things was transformed into something more relevant to modern life? A toaster oven seems far more practical.

For the most part, it seems that we are devolving more than evolving ...

Why are some people grossly fat and others ridiculously thin?

Why do people watch "reality" TV shows? And what is a Kardashian or real housewife anyway?

What is the deal with Donald Trump's hair?

Why can't people drive by a nice neighbourhood without shooting someone?

Why are the most popular sports the ones where people bash each other's brains out?

Why are there face lifts, tummy tucks, breast implants, butt enhancements, teeth whitening products, hair plugs, and toupées?

Why do people jump off bridges with an elastic band tied to their ankles?

Why do men still pee while standing erect, when 92% of the male species couldn't hit a toilet bowl if their lives depended on it?

Why do people get fooled into signing up for online dating services?

Why is there a Dr Oz?

Why gay?

Why divorce?

Why is there always a recession that affects only those people who have no money anyway?

Why is democracy viable only if you have one helluva lot of cruise missiles?

Why has the primary purpose of the opposable thumb become a tool for more efficient text messaging on a "smart" phone?

Why do men suffer from "penis envy" these days more than women do?

Why do we still fart?

And finally, what about sex? Oh sure, we all have our favourite little rituals and fetishes, but really, after you've been through the Kama Sutra six or seven times, you end up falling into that "Was it good for you?" trap. Why haven't we evolved in such a way that the awkwardness of the "good for you" scenario never really enters the equation? Why hasn't sex become so pleasurably perfect that you're almost, but not quite, afraid to reach for second base?

So, hey Charles Darwin, what's the deal? Did you write somewhere that evolution has an end, a climax, an expiration date? Why is everything going from pretty good to bad to worse? Charles, Charles, Charles ... help us out here ... throw us a bone, even if it's that primordial soup bone ... because the world seems to be quickly headed back to the swamp, and to be honest, not a lot of people have perfected the art of walking on water and they will surely drown ...



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