Java Lava

How do you like your coffee maker now, Mr DiMaggio?

Java Lava

Go figure.

My Mr Coffee Keurig coffee maker has been recalled.

Apparently, the little contraption has been known to release a sudden stream of scalding water and coffee grounds out the top, sort of like one of those weird volcanoes you made for your kids to take to Science Fair at school.

Reports indicate that it's allegedly mistakenly targeting the half-asleep coffee drinker for the coffee cup. Some sources say that the defect has caused 61 reported injuries, including hand and facial burns.

Uh, people ... you don't stand there and wait for the machine to brew your coffee. Sure, it's a little slow, I guess, but by watching it work and impatiently tapping your fingers on the counter, you just end up pissing it off. No wonder it spits up hot coffee in your face. How would you feel if someone watched you at your place of employment, while hemming and hawing about how slow you work?

I never insult my little Mr Coffee. Instead of forcing the little plastic morning mud-slinger to "lose face," I respect my perky, Made-In-China barista, and while it's doing its job, I'm off having a shower or some such morning thing. So, mine has not spit or spurted at me yet. In fact, it has been a mainstay of my mornings with wonderful brews of various flavours of coffee.

Now, all of a sudden, the good folks at Mr Coffee want me to stop using it immediately. "Cut off the plug," they say, "and we'll send you a new one."

OK, but ... and this is a big BUT (all caps, as you can see) ... I'm partial to the colour of my machine — a fabulous red, a fire-engine red almost. OK, maybe that's a bad analogy. Maybe it was bad karma on the part of the Mr Coffee design team to make a fire-engine red coffee maker. Maybe, that was just asking for trouble ... you know, fire in the hole and all that.

Karma or not, I just know that I don't want a dull black replacement. I want another red one.

Unless of course, they would like to upgrade me to a higher-end machine, maybe one that makes a decent cappuccino or a splendiforous latte ...

Recalls are funny things. In North America, we recall everything from food to appliances to cars. When things go wrong with a product, the company simply advertises a recall notice, and the onus is on the consumer to take the product back and have it fixed or get a new, "improved" version.

Sadly, we never get to recall defective people. Maybe recalls would be a better idea than divorces. Divorces are so messy, and everyone involved gets a little weird and shell-shocked from the experience. Say you made a poor choice and married some guy who was just east of psycho, imagine how great would it be if the courts could just decree, "Cut off the penis, and we'll send you a new one."

If you have a Mr Coffee maker, and you suspect yours might be subject to recall you can check it out at the

Mr Coffee Website.