Puppet MasterControl
It's human nature to have expectations.
When you go to school, you have expectations of doing reasonably well.
When you start a new job, you have expectations about how you will handle the work, and maybe more importantly, how much you will be paid.
When you move into a new place, you have expectations about how your move might change your life.
When you cut out sweets and low-octane carbs, you have expectations that you will hopefully shed a few pounds.
More often than not, your expectations aren't unreasonable. You study, you work, you move, you diet, and if you are true to your intentions, you will find your life changing.
For most of us, controlling how our personal life unfolds is critical to our sense of well-being.
The one scenario where we seem to falter is when we have expectations of the people closest to us.
Parents who have high expectations for their children can be unduly disappointed.
Friends, even the best of friends whom we trust unequivocally, may betray us.
Lovers, who meet in a whirlwind of passion, sometimes drift from that initial romantic blast off into a more thoughtful state of being. One or the other, or both, sometimes enter a period of unnerving pause in an attempt to define what there is to expect out of the relationship. When the mind takes over from the heart, the one we love seems so much more unpredictable, unreasonable, or uncaring, and suddenly the unwavering love we first felt becomes a quagmire of uncertainty.
We can always seem to accommodate who we are and accept most of what we do in life, but sometimes the actions of those who matter so much to us simply, well, baffle us. What we expected jumps the rail, and the streetcar of our desires careens off its track and wreaks havoc in our lives. Expectation evolves into the urge to control those closest to us, because those are the people who help weave the fabric of our own contentment.
It's tough. Facing and accepting the unexpected is very tough. We begin to manage, manipulate, subdue, or even smother those who, for whatever reason, choose to neglect, mistake, evade, or outright reject our expectations. One day, everything seems fine. The next, our greatest expectations become our direst disappointments.
"I gave you everything!" we scream in anger, only to be rebuffed by the simple assertion, "It's not what I want."
We build a house for ourselves and those we love, and we are stunned when one or more of our closest family members, friends, or lovers decides he or she no longer wants to live under the roof or inside the walls that we have built.
And so, some people fall into a state of almost apocalyptic frustration and seemingly endless suffering.
Writing this brings to mind that little aphorism written many years ago:
What we should realise is that our powerlessness over others is not a weakness at all and certainly not one of life's great failures. Those who sprout wings need air in which to fly. Be the wind beneath them, not the leather jesses that keep them strapped to your wrist and entrapped in the world you have created for them. Let them create a world for themselves.
Such freedom has a cost. Outside the house you have built, there are obvious dangers, but a house is not a prison. You cannot simply lock the door and say, "I know what's best." You don't know what's best for anyone but yourself, and the cost of not letting go will be only greater heartache for yourself. After all, I suspect that prisoners are the worst form of company.
Stand back. Be strong. Be patient and hopeful. Most of all, do not feel as if a part of you is leaving when someone decides it is time for him or her to travel a path different from the one you are travelling. You are not complete or completed by the presence of another person. For good or bad, you are just you, a tapestry of strengths and weaknesses, beliefs and doubts, attainable dreams and ridiculous fantasies.
Accepting and being happy with who you are is all that ultimately matters, and allowing others to be happy, even if it means being away from you, is one of life's greatest blessings.
It's human nature to have expectations.
When you go to school, you have expectations of doing reasonably well.
When you start a new job, you have expectations about how you will handle the work, and maybe more importantly, how much you will be paid.
When you move into a new place, you have expectations about how your move might change your life.
When you cut out sweets and low-octane carbs, you have expectations that you will hopefully shed a few pounds.
More often than not, your expectations aren't unreasonable. You study, you work, you move, you diet, and if you are true to your intentions, you will find your life changing.
For most of us, controlling how our personal life unfolds is critical to our sense of well-being.
The one scenario where we seem to falter is when we have expectations of the people closest to us.
Parents who have high expectations for their children can be unduly disappointed.
Friends, even the best of friends whom we trust unequivocally, may betray us.
Lovers, who meet in a whirlwind of passion, sometimes drift from that initial romantic blast off into a more thoughtful state of being. One or the other, or both, sometimes enter a period of unnerving pause in an attempt to define what there is to expect out of the relationship. When the mind takes over from the heart, the one we love seems so much more unpredictable, unreasonable, or uncaring, and suddenly the unwavering love we first felt becomes a quagmire of uncertainty.
We can always seem to accommodate who we are and accept most of what we do in life, but sometimes the actions of those who matter so much to us simply, well, baffle us. What we expected jumps the rail, and the streetcar of our desires careens off its track and wreaks havoc in our lives. Expectation evolves into the urge to control those closest to us, because those are the people who help weave the fabric of our own contentment.
It's tough. Facing and accepting the unexpected is very tough. We begin to manage, manipulate, subdue, or even smother those who, for whatever reason, choose to neglect, mistake, evade, or outright reject our expectations. One day, everything seems fine. The next, our greatest expectations become our direst disappointments.
"I gave you everything!" we scream in anger, only to be rebuffed by the simple assertion, "It's not what I want."
We build a house for ourselves and those we love, and we are stunned when one or more of our closest family members, friends, or lovers decides he or she no longer wants to live under the roof or inside the walls that we have built.
And so, some people fall into a state of almost apocalyptic frustration and seemingly endless suffering.
Writing this brings to mind that little aphorism written many years ago:
If you love something, set it free; if it comes back it's yours, if it doesn't, it never was.
What we should realise is that our powerlessness over others is not a weakness at all and certainly not one of life's great failures. Those who sprout wings need air in which to fly. Be the wind beneath them, not the leather jesses that keep them strapped to your wrist and entrapped in the world you have created for them. Let them create a world for themselves.
Such freedom has a cost. Outside the house you have built, there are obvious dangers, but a house is not a prison. You cannot simply lock the door and say, "I know what's best." You don't know what's best for anyone but yourself, and the cost of not letting go will be only greater heartache for yourself. After all, I suspect that prisoners are the worst form of company.
Stand back. Be strong. Be patient and hopeful. Most of all, do not feel as if a part of you is leaving when someone decides it is time for him or her to travel a path different from the one you are travelling. You are not complete or completed by the presence of another person. For good or bad, you are just you, a tapestry of strengths and weaknesses, beliefs and doubts, attainable dreams and ridiculous fantasies.
Accepting and being happy with who you are is all that ultimately matters, and allowing others to be happy, even if it means being away from you, is one of life's greatest blessings.
You're 100% right ! No matter of education, job, love, friendship, family we always stay alone and we need to deal with our fears and emotions. Probably that's the big mystery of human being...
ReplyDeleteIt's true that, no matter how busy our lives, we always have to know who we are as an individual and be able to accept that reality.
DeleteAir. Sometimes there's not enough air. That part of the write stood out. I heard it expressed in a new song recently. Then how sad it is when we allow another to hold us hostage. I've seen it happen recently to a family member. It's sad what can't be seen when your in turmoil. I chose freedom of being me. Sure do. :) gm.
ReplyDeleteYes, air ... we do need air ... and the freedom to be me ...
DeleteThe only expectations I have ever had are for one to be free and true to oneself and more importantly ... to be happy. To have expectation is a little possessive ... kind of demeaning in a demanding sort of way, I think ... and that in itself creates a block in the air flow. There is no freedom of expression in someone elses expectation .....
ReplyDeleteLove the way you write!! Always makes me over think ~grin~ .....
Expectations are a little selfish, as you suggest. We all have them, and it can make life tough on others, so it`s really simply a matter of how you react when one blows up in your face. The effect is more important than the cause ... n'est-ce pas?
DeleteSometimes we don't learn or understand this until we are the ones being controlled or held back.
ReplyDeleteAnd that is a terrible thing to have to endure.
DeleteMany profundities are ensconced in your piece here, KJ.
ReplyDeleteI've found that "control" in relationships is often negotiated, i.e., as long as you give me what I want, I'll give you what you want. In such relationships, control of the self is actually ceded to another in exchange for the other person satisfying either the same or a different need in ourselves.
The problems start when either party no longer needs what the other person has to offer, in whole or in part, or one partner in the relationship feels there is an unrequited imbalance in the give and take arrangement of the relationship.
~M
I have been in one of those mutual control relationships, and found it stifling. It was like I had to keep a speadsheet of emotion is versus emotion out.
DeleteI suppose one is never completely "giving" in a relationship, because there is always some "taking" as well. It's a fine balance, but most people do it quite unconsciously.
Does it really have to be about control? Why can't it be about mutual respect for the needs of each other.
ReplyDeleteI understand that one person might be "stronger" than the other, but that doesn't give them the right to control their loved one. If their partner wants to be controlled then that is something entirely different.
Commitment does not equal control ... not in my world it doesn't.