Riding The Gravy Train Through The Great Beyond

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Riding The Gravy Train Through The Great Beyond

Strange how we spend so much money on insurance these days.

We buy all kinds of policies to protect ourselves from accidents in the car, from squatty masked men who would break into our homes and steal our stuff, from the fire that we might start while cooking bacon next to those frilly kitchen window curtains, from the extortion of ridiculous doctors bills when we break an arm or catch the norovirus, really, from almost any catastrophe that might befall us.

No one knows for sure if any or all of these tragic events might happen, so we pay the Pharisees of the insurance world on a "just-in-case" basis. You never know for sure what will happen in life, because life is like a game of dice. You're never sure if you're going to throw snake-eyes and crap out, but you suspect you might, so just in case you do, you pay someone else to cover your losses.

The only type of insurance that doesn't ride on the rails of "just-in-case" thinking is life insurance. Life insurance is not really a gamble. Chances are pretty good (almost 99.7%) that you will die some day. Given that sad reality, what the heck? Someone might as well benefit because it's a sure fire way for you to finally make some cash. Not that you'll be spending it, mind you, but your kids or loved ones will.

You can even double the odds and the payout by getting what they call a double indemnity, so that if you die by accident, your benefactor gets twice the payout. Seems like a good deal to me.

Of course, the "accident" clause is pretty specific. Suicide doesn't count as an accident. Neither does murder, like for example, if some white guy holding up a convenience store happens to shoot you as you stand aimlessly in the Yoo-Hoo aisle. Oh, and most diseases like cancer or heart disease don't count either. It has to be a real accident, something like getting hit by a bus, but not on the street where buses are supposed to be. The bus has to plough through the front window of Starbuck's and kill you instantly as you sip your Frappuccino.

The advertisements for life insurance that you see on television implore you not to leave your loved ones without enough money to cover your funeral expenses, with maybe a few thousand dollars more to help them ease into the sad reality that you're no longer around. It all seems to make sense. After all, who wants a bargain-basement funeral from the Outlet Mall on the I-88? Why not top up the death booty a little, say to a cool million dollars or two, and you will probably not only get the deluxe casket with the brass fittings, but your leftover loved ones will enjoy the lifestyle you never had.

Some insurance companies have something of a reputation for not paying off a claim when your jig is up. Of course, if you have a policy with a company with a name like Bernie's All-Perils Insurance and Pest Control, well, you might want to consider switching to a more reputable firm. After all, you don't want Bernie swapping out that million dollar policy for a lifetime of free roach control.