The R-R-Rolling Moans

Oh My Aching Tongue . . .

The R-R-Rolling Moans

Owwwww ... it hurts right there ... and right there ... and oh yeah, over there too ...

Somehow, I have managed to frazzle my tongue. I have no idea why it hurts, but it hurts like crazeeee.

I don't eat spicy fast food, no curry in a hurry, in fact, nothing more exotic than maple-flavoured pork 'n' beans, a favourite in Canada, so I don't think it was that.

I didn't drink anything scalding hot, like the ridiculously blistering hot chocolate people serve at ice-skating parties, so it wasn't that.

I didn't use the Lord's name in vain (more than maybe twice), so I'm sure it's not that.

I didn't lay it flagging out the car window like a dog does on a hot summer's day, so it wasn't that either.

I wasn't chewing tobacco, even though you don't really "chew" tobacco, but I haven't had a wad of that gruesome stuff in my mouth for over a decade, so I can't blame it on that.

I didn't mistakenly start using Liquid Plumr Foaming Pipesnake Clog Remover as toothpaste, and no, my electric toothbrush didn't short circuit and unexpectedly become a tongue taser.

I didn't get it stuck on a frozen steel fence post, the way I did when I was a five-year-old imbecile too stupid not to take a dare, so it wasn't that either.

Well, I guess it doesn't really matter why it hurts, the point is that it does hurt.

I may need to have it amputated.

If that's true, then I want a transplant.

Do they do tongue transplants? Is it possible that I could get, say, a cow's tongue? a giraffe's tongue? an iguana's tongue?

What does one want in a tongue?

Do I want some extra length? some extra girth?

Does size matter when it comes to tongues?

Or is it just in how you use it?